Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Cubicle Culture by Jared Sandberg
Bleeding Indicators, Other Indexes Gauge Workplace Health
by Jared Sandberg
October 20, 2004
The Wall Street Journal
The barrage of economic data coming at us with extra topspin during this election season suggests that macroeconomic figures actually mean something to the average office schlep.
In an effort to supply more relevant data about the health of your
workplace, here's my own list of Office Economic Indicators. My
apologies if they remind you a) just how badly your company is actually doing, and b) that it's time to pull out your résumé:
Really Gross Domestic Product: One of the most important quarterly
measures of a company's performance, this figure gauges increases in
output, specifically trash piling up in office garbage cans as a result of janitorial cutbacks.
Changes in the index are sometimes overlooked because of false
assumptions that the cleaning team is undergoing a temporary blip. When Allan Whitescarver, who worked at a Colorado ski resort that had fallen on tough times, noticed that the prior day's trash was still in the can, his first reaction was that it was just weird. He says he figured "maybe someone got sick in the janitorial pool." In fact, though, the resort had pared its cleaning services to once weekly, citing downward revisions in "perceived need."
Perk Deficit: Measures the drastic reduction in available workplace
assets, ranging from free food and paper products to office supplies
(seasonally adjusted to exclude September's back-to-school theft).
The numbers also take into account new limits on the number of light
bulbs that have to burn out before someone fixes them, increases in
brown-bag lunch meetings, and changes in holiday party venues. "We went from a big hotel with a night of endless shrimp," says marketing
consultant Susan Johnson, "to an in-house pot luck with a colleague
singing on the guitar."
Fudge-It Surplus: This measure of the depth of trouble a company is in is based on the number of times the management insists that it's
healthy.
Coleen Flathman was a financial analyst at a Texas bank on a buyout
binge, including the acquisition of some questionable loans, when her
employer began to attach memos to its bimonthly paychecks. The memos
"would tell different statistics about why it was such a great company," negative news reports notwithstanding, Ms. Flathman recalls. Attached for six months, they always concluded "that we did not need to worry; there were adequate funds to cover payroll." But, she notes, "a solvent company doesn't feel the need to tell you that your paycheck won't bounce."
After the bank started providing the memos, Grousing Starts and
Disinterest Rates spiked. "People started leaving left and right," Ms. Flathman says. (See also Bleeding Economic Indicator.)
Disposable Personnel Nincompoops: This real-time index gauges the
inventory of idiots-on-hand. Applicable to all industries, the DPN
measures people's stupidity as indicated by everything from their
suggestion-box entries to their PowerPoint presentations.
Downticks in the index, though rare, suggest that despite all odds,
smarter heads have actually prevailed. When Robbie Jennings worked for a hospital, its chief financial officer proposed to reduce the number of ply in the toilet paper from three to one. At that point the chief operating officer raised his hand and said, "If we go from three-ply to one-ply, I'm outta here," recalls Ms. Jennings.
Bleeding Economic Indicator: Charts the departure of key personnel,
giving extra weight to the lameness of a former executive's new job and excuses about wanting to spend more time with the family.
When Bob Cly was an Air Force contracting officer, he witnessed the
problem every time word spread that certain projects wouldn't be funded. "Everybody who could jumped ship right away," he says. "It was the most depressing thing you can imagine."
But an associated index -- the Parking Availability Index -- can rise, too. When that happens, says Mr. Cly, "I have no problem getting the very best parking space."
No-Confidence Index: This measure emerged to track the rise and fall of company T-shirt production during an era when a company initiative, product or trade show wasn't an initiative, product or trade show without its own T-shirt. The past four years have seen the lowest NCI in the postwar era. "No one seems to wear company clothes anymore," says Suzanne Ambiel, a competitive analyst for a major technology company.
A downward trend in the NCI frequently tracks closely with the Office
Park Agricultural Index, which weighs the ratio of costly annuals to
cheaper perennials. "Many campuses went to geraniums, which are
self-seeding, from pansies and snapdragons," she says.
Underemployment Index: Tracks the number of fliers on the office
bulletin board from employees who are seeking to moonlight in order to make ends meet. The fliers solicit new clients for such services as notarizing documents, in-home child care and scrapbooking. "You know, selling stickers or scrapbook lessons," says Ms. Ambiel. "You can become a franchisee for a scrapbook-supply company."
----
Sharky's add on :
This should include:
Caffeine Allocation Ratio (CAR) : The word 'ratio' is actually a
misnomer, as this indicator is actually presented as a graph where the X-axis measures the average % Volume Utilisation of each cup of coffee dispensed by office coffee machines, and the Y-axis measures the % (of total) buttons on the same machines for different varieties of coffee that actually work.
In times of growth, points representing CAR for individsual companies
when plotted on the graph are known to cluster around the top right
corner, and so on...
by Jared Sandberg
October 20, 2004
The Wall Street Journal
The barrage of economic data coming at us with extra topspin during this election season suggests that macroeconomic figures actually mean something to the average office schlep.
In an effort to supply more relevant data about the health of your
workplace, here's my own list of Office Economic Indicators. My
apologies if they remind you a) just how badly your company is actually doing, and b) that it's time to pull out your résumé:
Really Gross Domestic Product: One of the most important quarterly
measures of a company's performance, this figure gauges increases in
output, specifically trash piling up in office garbage cans as a result of janitorial cutbacks.
Changes in the index are sometimes overlooked because of false
assumptions that the cleaning team is undergoing a temporary blip. When Allan Whitescarver, who worked at a Colorado ski resort that had fallen on tough times, noticed that the prior day's trash was still in the can, his first reaction was that it was just weird. He says he figured "maybe someone got sick in the janitorial pool." In fact, though, the resort had pared its cleaning services to once weekly, citing downward revisions in "perceived need."
Perk Deficit: Measures the drastic reduction in available workplace
assets, ranging from free food and paper products to office supplies
(seasonally adjusted to exclude September's back-to-school theft).
The numbers also take into account new limits on the number of light
bulbs that have to burn out before someone fixes them, increases in
brown-bag lunch meetings, and changes in holiday party venues. "We went from a big hotel with a night of endless shrimp," says marketing
consultant Susan Johnson, "to an in-house pot luck with a colleague
singing on the guitar."
Fudge-It Surplus: This measure of the depth of trouble a company is in is based on the number of times the management insists that it's
healthy.
Coleen Flathman was a financial analyst at a Texas bank on a buyout
binge, including the acquisition of some questionable loans, when her
employer began to attach memos to its bimonthly paychecks. The memos
"would tell different statistics about why it was such a great company," negative news reports notwithstanding, Ms. Flathman recalls. Attached for six months, they always concluded "that we did not need to worry; there were adequate funds to cover payroll." But, she notes, "a solvent company doesn't feel the need to tell you that your paycheck won't bounce."
After the bank started providing the memos, Grousing Starts and
Disinterest Rates spiked. "People started leaving left and right," Ms. Flathman says. (See also Bleeding Economic Indicator.)
Disposable Personnel Nincompoops: This real-time index gauges the
inventory of idiots-on-hand. Applicable to all industries, the DPN
measures people's stupidity as indicated by everything from their
suggestion-box entries to their PowerPoint presentations.
Downticks in the index, though rare, suggest that despite all odds,
smarter heads have actually prevailed. When Robbie Jennings worked for a hospital, its chief financial officer proposed to reduce the number of ply in the toilet paper from three to one. At that point the chief operating officer raised his hand and said, "If we go from three-ply to one-ply, I'm outta here," recalls Ms. Jennings.
Bleeding Economic Indicator: Charts the departure of key personnel,
giving extra weight to the lameness of a former executive's new job and excuses about wanting to spend more time with the family.
When Bob Cly was an Air Force contracting officer, he witnessed the
problem every time word spread that certain projects wouldn't be funded. "Everybody who could jumped ship right away," he says. "It was the most depressing thing you can imagine."
But an associated index -- the Parking Availability Index -- can rise, too. When that happens, says Mr. Cly, "I have no problem getting the very best parking space."
No-Confidence Index: This measure emerged to track the rise and fall of company T-shirt production during an era when a company initiative, product or trade show wasn't an initiative, product or trade show without its own T-shirt. The past four years have seen the lowest NCI in the postwar era. "No one seems to wear company clothes anymore," says Suzanne Ambiel, a competitive analyst for a major technology company.
A downward trend in the NCI frequently tracks closely with the Office
Park Agricultural Index, which weighs the ratio of costly annuals to
cheaper perennials. "Many campuses went to geraniums, which are
self-seeding, from pansies and snapdragons," she says.
Underemployment Index: Tracks the number of fliers on the office
bulletin board from employees who are seeking to moonlight in order to make ends meet. The fliers solicit new clients for such services as notarizing documents, in-home child care and scrapbooking. "You know, selling stickers or scrapbook lessons," says Ms. Ambiel. "You can become a franchisee for a scrapbook-supply company."
----
Sharky's add on :
This should include:
Caffeine Allocation Ratio (CAR) : The word 'ratio' is actually a
misnomer, as this indicator is actually presented as a graph where the X-axis measures the average % Volume Utilisation of each cup of coffee dispensed by office coffee machines, and the Y-axis measures the % (of total) buttons on the same machines for different varieties of coffee that actually work.
In times of growth, points representing CAR for individsual companies
when plotted on the graph are known to cluster around the top right
corner, and so on...
